Burning Snow by, Myself

“We shouldn’t be here,” Debbie leaned close and whispered into Ivan’s ear. “It feels so clandestine, so wrong, “ Debbie laughed wickedly as she shrugged out of her faux fur jacket, scarf, and gloves. Ivan reached forward to smooth down her hair that sprung up when Debbie snapped off her cap. “Champagne my darling,” Ivan handed her a flute of sparkling champagne. “My, my do you get paid to drink on the job?” “This bottle was just going to waste sitting in the back of my refrigerator, I guess that I was just looking for a special occasion to open it.” Debbie raised her eyebrows at Ivan as she took a sip, “And this is special because??” “Because the economy sucks, I don’t know if I will meet my commission this year, and I have to sit in this damn office all day because I am the only broker with an SUV and thus the only one who could make it to work on a snow day.” “That doesn’t sound special.” “Maybe I just wanted to share it with you.” Ivan grabbed Debbie around the waist and planted a hard kiss on her mouth. “Just a minute, just a minute, this romance in the work place stuff is new to me. What if someone I know or you know stops by today and wants to see a lot?” Ivan grinned lasciviously before grabbing her again and kissing her on the neck. He started undoing the buttons of Debbie’s blouse. “There is no school today, everyone is home with their little ones. Who would risk life and limb to come in today and tour vacant lots that they can’t even see?” Debbie gently moved Ivan’s hand away from her blouse. She took another sip of champagne as she raucously pirouetted around the show room.

Ivan watched, amused. This love affair was everything he could have hoped for. It helped that Debbie was married like him. Ivan had vowed long ago to quit having affairs with single women, they all ended up wanted more than he was willing or able to give. Outside the snow continued to fall in graceful sheets across the empty housing development. Ivan didn’t want to look at the empty lots for long. Only one lot out of thirty had sold. Prior to this economic downturn, Ivan had hoped that the sales from this development would be enough to carry him for the next couple of years. Enough of the negativity now, Ivan told himself. Flashing his newly whitened teeth, he advanced confidently towards Debbie and took her in his arms. She smelled of designer perfume and all things perfect. Like an old married couple, they stood, arms and waists entwined, sipping champagne and watching the crisp snow fall from the grey sky. Ivan started kissing Debbie’s ear, slowly this time, working his way down her neck. She responded, draining her flute of champagne and returning his kisses. “Oh look, a family.” There they were, a happy family of four, sledding on the hill outside of Debbie and Ivan’s love nest. Debbie laughed loudly, one of the children turned and peered intently through the showroom office window. “It looks like we have an audience,” Ivan joked. Ivan and Debbie waved at the child who scampered quickly back to the sledding hill. Ivan took Debbie’s hand and led her into the back room of the small building, a storage area of sorts for real estate signs and building supplies.

“Oh you shouldn’t have!” Debbie exclaimed when she saw the two sleeping bags and fluffy pillows laid out on the floor. She laid down on the soft bedding and pulled Ivan on top of her. As it always had been, their lovemaking quickly became passionate, Debbie could feel the heat, like fire, scorching her naked body. Debbie felt delirious, she thought she saw a shadow outside the window. Ivan’s body was like fire on top of her. She arched and tried to shake free. The shadow in the window came closer. A fist broke the glass. Debbie felt like she was suffocating. She tried in vain to move Ivan. He was passed out, dead to the world. Debbie felt dizzy and unbalanced, what was in that champagne? The flames where coming closer, invading their love sanctuary. Debbie grabbed a sleeping bag to cover her naked body. She stumbled as she lurched towards the broken window, her one chance to reach safety. Sirens sounded in the distance. The shadow become more distinct, through her blurred vision. It was a woman wearing a huge ski parka. A fur trimmed hood surrounded her unrecognizable face. Like the grim reaper, she beckoned Debbie to come through the broken window. Debbie felt the glass cutting into her bare feet. She twisted and turned her sleeping bag covered body through the window frame. The parka-clad woman pulled her through the last part. “There is someone else inside,” Debbie whispered as she fell into the snow. She looked up, but the woman was gone. That was how the firefighters found her, partially covered, surrounded by blood, face down in the snow.

Knowing Your Age

As I head deeper into middle age I am more aware of the fact that I carry a mental-physical age around in my head that is not the age that I am. I used to hear of this notion, that people "stopped" at a certain age and I didn't understand it. Now that I am getting older, I understand it perfectly. I would put my mental-physical age at about 25. Sometimes I am shocked to look in the mirror and see what is reflected back at me. The face isn't too troublesome, but the full body look is downright depressing. It is not the body of the 25 year-old me and I am doubtful that I will ever see that body on myself again. Now don't get me wrong, I don't look "bad." In fact maybe I actually look good...for MY AGE. That's the clincher, when I was younger I could look "good" period, no disclaimer added.

I don't mean to be vain, but carrying around a mental-physical age that is decrepant from your real age has its drawbacks. For example, I can't just up and leave my job, confident that I will be able to get a new one. When I was 25 I had confidence and I wasn't used to disappointment, so I didn't anticipate it. Also my mind was sharper back then and I interviewed better than I would now. Now I am more blunt, not as idealistic, and mostly I am just plain tired and unable to utilize any emtional bandwidth towards shoveling bullshit in the professional realm and this makes searching for a new job ever so complicated. I don't like to shop, not that I ever really loved it, but I used to be able to cruise into a store, pull something off the rack in my size and style, and expect it to fit without ever tying it on. When I was younger, this strategy worked about 99% of the time. Now, even if a shop for a couple of hours and try everything on, I can still return home empty handed 99% of the time. Then there is the whole ma'am thing, I am still not used to it and it has been happening for years now. Sometimes I give short pause and look around a bit, is that "Here you are ma'am" or "Excuse me ma'am" really meant for me! This is particularly bothersome when it is said by a good looking young man who may actually be young enough to be my son.

It is good for me to write about this. This is the first step on a long psychological progression in which I will slowly match my mental-physical age with my true age and cease to give myself heart failure when I look in a full-length mirror. My other choice is to carry on with the rest of my life thinking and acting like a twentysomething while looking like an ageing fool.

Crazy Drivers

I was almost hit by a crazy driver tonight. While I am not thankful for this scary moment, I am thankful that the brakes in my car work so well. It is a dark and very rainy night here in the Seattle area, it is also windy. I was driving five children (my three and an additional two) to an event in this nasty weather and trying to be extra cautious. A car pulled out of a parking lot on my left, crossed two lanes of traffic, entered the median turn lane and began accelerating, using the median turn lane as a merge lane (like you would do when merging to get on the freeway). I was parallel to the car when this started and I thought that surely the fool would stop, seeing as how I had the right of way and was right beside them in plain view (there was enough of a distance to put me far out of any blind spot). But, no, the turn lane came to an end and the fool starting to merge right into my car! I was shaken, but not hit, rattled, but no one was hurt.

A few weeks ago I read a blog entry on my friend Snowflake's blog, she and her mother were hit by a drunk driver at around lunch time one day. Thankfully no one was badly injured. In my case I don't know if the person that I had to contend with was drunk or stupid. In the end if there is a serious accident, does it really matter? This got me thinking about all of the near misses on the roadways every day. It also got me thinking about cars and drivers and how it is amazing that there aren't more accidents. When all is said and done, it is truly a miracle that most of us get from one destination to another in our cars without getting hit by a drunkard or an idiot. I am thankful tonight for good brakes, a quick reaction, and a near miss being a miss.

Dance, Dance, Dance

All three of my girls take ballet. One of my daughters in particular has recently been inspired by this dancer, Lindsi Dec, a principal dancer with Pacific Northwest Ballet. Who knows, maybe this well be one of my kids in the future (not likely if they have inherited my coordination and balance or lack thereof).

Polar Bear Swim 2009

The bold, the brave, or the very foolish-I can't decide. New Year's "Polar Bears" Lake Wenatchee 2009.

Alicia Keys and Jack White - 007 Quantum of Solace osong

New Years Resolutions

I have never been one for making "resolutions" I prefer to call them "goals" maybe that is just another name for resolution in disguse. It just seems to me that goals are more obtainable than resolutions. When I mentally make a resolution it is usually something quite impossible for me to obtain such as, "I will be a nicer person." Almost immediately after making such a resolution I find myself on the road with an idiot driver and the "nicer person" no longer exits. It is sad that it takes that little to make me not nice. To my credit, I am trying to get better. Driving with kids in the car is a great anecdote for any foul words that might otherwise come out of my mouth.



Back to the resolutions and goals thing, when I make a goal it is usually something that I can actually do like, learn how to blog. That was a goal that I set for myself last January and here I am, a year later, happily blogging away. Goals seem to be more doable, I just need the steps, I don't have to try and put the energy into changing some great personal failing within myself. That would take longer than one year to tackle and may even take a lifetime. So for this year I have set some goals, humble as they may be. Some are short-term and some are long-term. I don't know if I will get to them all, but the list has been created with trying in mind, so here they are:

1) Try to enjoy my children more.
2) Find time to write more so that I can get better at it.
3) Plan a unique family vacation.
4) Make sure that my oldest daughter gets to go to the local humane society camp this summer (I miss the deadline every year).
5) Visit more local wineries (my main goal being Maison de Padgett in Zillah, WA, very interesting wines and ports, can't wait to try more)!
6) Make a small career transition, something needs to change and it needs to happen this year.
7) Continue to work out on a regular basis for both my mental and physical well-being.
8) Listen to that voice inside my head when a friend is calling out for help, but trying to pretend that she isn't.
9) Remember that all things have a season and that there is a time and purpose to all things under heaven.
10) Stop fighting my hair, it is what it is and I can't do a damn thing about it!

Happy 2009!!!