Sunday, May 11, 2008

Diamond Locked by, Myself

She saw the sun glint, multi-colored hue glance from the diamond on the third finger of her left hand. The diamond glint upon her hand, brought by the gallant knight, feeding dreams that seemed unending. It was the glint before the knot that cinched their lives together in never-never land, far away from the trials of today. The knot firmly tied her to a web spun of love, lies, and lessons in survival. It was all so tempting. The two shall become one and never again meet eye to eye, crawling forever through the ties that bind to romance sweet. She winces at the sparkling glint, looking at it again and again and from this angle, it slices her heart in two. The years go by, the diamond glitters strongly in the sun. It masks melted hearts, angry words, and egocentric dreams of "together." On a still and quiet morning-mist-lingering-dawn-dew, she catches the glint more weakly in the cave of the morning sunlight. Slowly, she removes it from her finger. It is something so longingly precious that she kisses it "goodbye." She moves calmly and solitarily towards the awakening shadows. The day, the year, the life she will embrace no longer plural.

It isn't easy being free. the security of loves warm blanket no longer shrouds her at night. The living is meaner. She hadn't thought about the children. In a cramped studio over the hair salon on the corner, she cannot help but smile. The children don't like to see her here. It ruins their pride of what a mother should be. She is going back to work, teaching just a few blocks from home. It is a rough place, a school that she would never want for her own children. They stay, safe within the suburban haven fielding daily questions about her abandonment of them. Why is it so terrible whan a mother does this? It is not predictable behavior. Society expects the leaving to come from men. Her husband won't speak, he has no words for her.

Where did it all go wrong? How does the unraveling come? It all starts out so punch white and sure. There must be a beginning to this near disaterous end. She couldn't tell you. Daily she sheds a piece of the sticky web. At this rate the ten year web will quickly unravel. There are those who tell her that she is brave. She has yet to feel it, brave that is. Free for certain, how did she ever let herself get so trapped? Is seems to be the human condition. It would be unfair to say that there were no good times. The birth of the children she would never trade. When they met, her and her husband, they got on well. Same interests, same level of enducation, same general hopes for the future. Somewhere along the line they both got stuck in the hardness and boredom of day-to-day living and they lost any room that they once had for one another.

In this new space, she felt her heart coming back, stong and vibrant. Being alone is not so bad. Living as a couple is sorely overrated. She went out on her own and re-learned the city. She had grown up in the city, moving back was like coming home. Maybe it started to come apart then, she was never meant to be a suburban girl. She looked at the now empty third finger on her left hand. It could be a good idea, marriage. In theory it seemed ideal, maybe too lofty to be perpetuated by the fallible human race. Sometimes she missed the glint on her hand, but she didn't miss the perpetual failure of trying to make it work. Never being on the same page together, he was either one chapter behind or she was one chapter ahead, the nagging annoyance of unsolvable habits that she could never resolve. No, this way was more dangerous and ultimately more lonely. The fear of risk, the risk of being alone had held her back for so long. It held her back until she awoke one morning and realized that although she was married, she was still very alone. This aloneness and ability to tolerate it and learn from it would give her the strength that she needed to face her life ahead.

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