I am not prone to using my blog as a journal of my inner thoughts and feelings. But today is the exception to my unstated rule. This Fall has got me feeling very reflective. My life has grown quite still. Not still in the terms of lacking in the hustle and bustle of raising children, but still in terms of my own growth. In my twenties I was working towards finishing a long school journey and establishing myself in my current career. In my thirties I started having a family and began a new journey with babies and toddlers. Now, as I enter this new decade, "the forties" I have to wonder what I am travelling toward. There doesn't seem to be any life defining action going on these days.
Currently, I am employed part-time. Until recently this was a comfortable and workable arrangement. Given the current state of the economy, I have felt the crunch of downsizing. I am still employed part-time, but now I have more free time than I really want at this stage in my life. This leaves me with a number of options, the most obvious being to try and find a new part-time job. That's just it, though, I don't want to spin my wheels in one part-time position after another, I think that it is time that I try something different in my current profession. I am just not sure what. Something else is missing as well, I lack the confidence that I had when I was younger and looking for work. Yeah, I know that I have all of this great experience. That just gives some employers cold feet because they figure that I will probably be asking for more money and they are probably right. In my current profession, there are positions that I can take where the part-time money is great, but they are not really positions that I want. The money is good because the positions are hard to fill.
So stillness fills my life. The kids continue to grow and change, I stay the same (except for a few more wrinkles and fat deposits). I am stuck in a rut. Right now I would just like to pack up and move the family out of the country for a while. I am not going to dwell on politics here, but the atmosphere in this country is downright depressing. Believe me when I say that I know people personally who are feeling this economic crisis up close and personal and it ain't easy. My coping mechanism of comfort is to just leave the bad situation, that is always my first reaction.
I was talking to my eldest daughter this morning about setting goals for your day. She had a goal today of "maybe doing some stuff." Right now that sounds like a pretty good one. Maybe today I can "do some stuff" and see where that gets me. Maybe if I do said stuff a little at a time I will work my way into the next phase of life whatever that may be.